"The Diary of a Break-Up"

So it was over, and it was just like that.
I was okay. You were okay. We were okay.
Right?
The world still spun, round and round. The clouds were still there, all to accompany the sun in the blue sky. The stars still existed, and still shone brightly.
I was okay. You were okay. We were okay.
Right?

Wrong.
The world still spun, but my body wouldn’t function. The clouds still gave the sun and sky company, but I was alone. The stars still existed, but it was too dark for me to see.
I was not okay. You were not okay. We were not okay.

I still recall how it happened. I still recall what happened. I don’t know why, but in a blink of an eye, I felt everything stop. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t scream.
Nothing. I could only manage to do nothing. Words kept flowing out of my mouth and I didn’t know why I couldn’t stop myself from talking. I wanted to argue so much with you and I didn’t understand why.
I wanted you to understand why. I wanted you to know why even if I didn’t know how to explain it. I wanted you to tell me everything I wanted you to say. I wanted you. I wanted you. I wanted you.
But it was over before I knew it, and I suddenly felt nothing inside my heart. It was as if emptiness was the only thing that could manage to ever accompany me.

When I got home, I rushed to my room and I stood there, doing nothing. Then, it was as if a plug had been pulled out and let loose all of the feelings I thought I got rid of. I breathed. I cried. I screamed.
I thought about you, and the memory of your smiles made me hate every part of my existence. I wanted you. I wanted you. I wanted you.
But wanting you meant that I would lose myself even more than I already have. I gave up everything for the sake of you. I gave up everything. Everything.
I thought about us and the ideas we had about our futures. I thought about everything that intertwined. I thought about how you said “I’ll change. I’ll make it work. I promise.”
I thought about us and I screamed so loudly. I wanted you. I wanted you beside me. I wanted you to wrap your arms around me and finally do the one thing I’ve always asked of you: just listen to me and hold me, because I’ve cried alone all my life and I just wanted someone with warmth and affection to be there when I cried now.

The more I thought about us, the more restless I grew. Why? Why? Why?
Everything in my room reminded me of you. I was instantly haunted by you without even trying to. Always. I hated everything. I hated everything. I hated everything.
I wanted to tear down the walls in my room. I wanted to rip apart everything. Every piece of paper you gave me. Every letter you ever wrote. Every apology you sent. I wanted to throw my phone outside my window. I wanted it to get run over by a billion cars. I wanted to stop being reminded of the fact that we could get back together.
I held onto my pillow and I crawled into a corner in my room. I sobbed and I kept trying to wipe away my tears. I saw the stuffed animals you bought me and I grew so angry. I wanted to rip everything apart. Every gift you ever got me. Every promise you ever told me. Every article of clothing I ever bought because you said I looked nice in them. I wanted to burn things down and watch the ghost of our love finally stop haunting me.

It wasn’t love. It was chaos. Our love was chaotic. How could we call it good?
Everything was in ruins. I told you good bye and I said to get out of my life. I saw the way you looked at me, as if I just told you to die. Why did death sound so sweet when it came to break ups? Why was it that my heart was soothed by the idea of never having to face you again, as opposed to moving on? 
I wanted to see you. I wanted to run to you. I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you “I’m so sorry. Please. Can we work it out?” 
But I didn’t. I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t want to run to you. I didn’t want to call you.
I wanted you to come for me, because you never came for me. You left me stranded on a deserted island and always forced me to find my way back to the mainland. I just wanted you to tell me I was worth something all this time. I wanted to hear you say I was worth it. Worth the trouble. Worth the wait. Worth the pain.
But I didn’t.

How do I phrase this in a way that makes a little more sense? 
I loved you.
No, that’s not right.
I love you.
That’s right.
I still love you.
No. I’m not trying to toy with your emotions. I’m not trying to get your hopes up. I’m not trying to do anything other than let you know that I love you.
Love is important. It always matters. It’s a necessity in life, because humans are social creatures.
However, relationships don’t survive on love alone. They require work. They need compromise. Love is just a basis. I know that. That’s why I had been thinking about it. That’s why I told you “let’s break up.”
Because, we didn’t work. We buried everything under the rug. I was tired of bringing up the problems; you never seemed to want to bring them up.
I’m not a stupid little kid. I’m not silly. I’m logical. I’m realistic.
But, I thought about you again, and everything I put together shattered.
My heart broke apart and I screamed. I wanted to pull my hair out of my head. I wanted to break apart everything. My heart was hurting so much and I didn’t know how it was to stop it from hurting. I wanted you. I wanted you. I wanted you.
When was that ever going to be clear to you?!
But you kept breaking me down as if you meant to do it purposely, and I fell apart trying to make believe all the pain inflicted on my heart was just accidental.

I thought about me. I thought about you. I thought about us.
I saw a future we wanted. I saw a future we could have had. I saw a future that was impossible.

I didn’t want to blame you. I didn’t want to blame me. I just wanted us to end okay. I wanted us to be okay. I wanted a future where we would be okay. Together.
But I blamed you. And I blamed me. I let go of the future every time I found you breaking a promise, because I was at the breaking point. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t handle it.
So I broke. I broke me. I broke you. I broke us.
I’m so sorry.

--;

I wrote this in dedication to my little sister, after she went through a big break-up with a boyfriend she loved very much.

I understood the feeling very well, even at the time--even though I was still dating someone. We were still going through rough patches and things weren't perfect; at times, we were on the edge of breaking up. Sometimes, I think it's a miracle we're still together--but I'm always happy that we are.

I think we experience this feeling a lot. We feel the pain of letting someone go. We feel the pain of being let go. We just feel, and we feel a lot--so much that it becomes difficult to understand and control. But that's okay. We're allowed the moment to freak out and lose control. We're allowed to do that. It's how we get through the rough patches in our lives: saying good-bye with screams and tears.